Octopus

The Details:
Director: John Eyres
Country: USA
Language: English
Run Time: 100 minutes
Color: Color
Certification: UK:15 / USA:PG-13
Filmed in: Sofia, Bulgaria

The Review:
I'll get right down to the essentials on this slightly off-classic, giant monster movie. You'll have to wait at least 50 minutes before you can safely and resoundingly begin to snicker and giggle. Before you hit that mark, there is little to roll your eyes about beyond the horrendously produced musical tracks. I have never heard a score that took me out of the moment (as monster-movie-mundane as it may be) like the background tunes of Octopus However, the laughs continuously multiply and intensify tenfold over the following thirty minutes. The movie ends on such an hilarious high-note that I nearly threw my back out while bursting with laughter. Octopus fails to provide an enormous amount of misses, but when the misses do occur, they are of such an implausible nature, that one cannot help but blast proverbial milk from their proverbial noses. (see list of illogical lines below)


The story is unusually complex for a movie of this type. There are interwoven plot-lines that stem from a U.N. bombing, a missing submarine that was transporting the Anthrax virus, and a terrorist group who plan on taking over a cruise liner. (I never said these stories were interwoven well, though) We follow a green FBI agent who is thrown unwillingly into a new assignment. His new assignment consists of: assist in the classified trans-continental-transport of the fellon who murdered his mentor in broad daylight. (although no mention of this fact is touched upon by anyone for the remainder of the film. Well, I suppose every time MY mentor is killed in front of me by a psychotic terrorist bomber, I like to play foosball... that's just me). Our other main characters are introduced very late into the film, and consist of various Aliens/Abyss archetypes.

There's a pathetic high-school love interest side-bar that seems to go where you think, but ends with an incredibly jaw-dropping twist. By "jaw-dropping", I'm referring to "so absolutely nonsensical that my mouth hung open in awe." And by "twist", I mean "uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........".

The goodies include some top-notch underwater effects (we're talkin' October Hunting good). The latex 'pus and model sub hold up incredibly well under close inspection, and it's only when the computer generated octopus fumbles onto the screen that you can safely poke some fun at the effects. The sub's sets, while not incredibly realistic, are only a slight step down from your typical underwater tin-can flicks. Another fun plus is a great performance from Ricco Ross, aka "Frost" from Aliens, who plays a stout seaman that you continually wish were the actual main character (as usual).

The funny funny really comes in to play when the titular tentacled titan repeatedly reaches inside various vehicles/rooms. Suddenly, the tentacles become the size of a human arm and can then perform specific tasks like break a bad guy's neck (the traditional action-movie twisting way). It also reacts when being shot with a tiny, tiny pistol. To illustrate how absurd this image is, I have created a diagram:

If you can muddle through the first half of Octopus, then you are in for a shrieking good time. Based upon the hilarity of the last 4 minutes alone, this flick needs to B seen.

The following are some examples of the complete lack of logic in this movie (and this is just what they are saying):

Captain: "We gotta be careful, or this thing's gonna take us down." Random Crew: "Yeah... but which one?"

Captain: "We're at a depth that.. welp... not too many men get to experience. Unless... welp... they're about to die."

Random Crew: "Whatever it is, it's big, and it's moving in our direction." Other Random Crew: "And it's coming our way." (less than 1 minute later) More Random Crew: "It's coming closer!" Even More Random Crew: "It's heading right for us!"





LEGIT: The first quarter is pretty damned good.
MAN MEAL: One devouring scene goes on for 20+ secs.
ANTI-CLIMACTIC: This one absolutely B-eats them all.